it might be all in my head but when push comes to shove the idea of committing to anything feels debilitating. i do not belong anywhere. nothing feels right, not even my heart in my chest seems like it belongs. loneliness is a tricky thing it floods your chest cavity when you least expect like new year’s eve across the country from almost everyone you love or when you are desperately trying to get some sleep. it was so clear what i wanted. i wanted out. i wanted sunshine and promise and opportunity. but all that glitters is not gold. with every situation comes trials and hiccups and here i am with a plane ticket home for tomorrow nine days early and i still feel unsettled. no decision seems right it all is one giant double edge sword. it is miserable being at home and it is miserable being away and everything in between is spent fighting to make memories that make life seem worthwhile. i want so desperately to find somewhere to settle down and to grow and live my life and follow my dreams that are so lofty, but this wandering heart of mine is never satisfied. they say follow your bliss but what if you haven’t found yours. for now i will follow comfort back to virginia to family and friends and my apartment and the ease of the life i know and have grown into. the crippling regret of my decision to return will shortly hit me until then i will pack and bid adieu to the 80 degree weather, beautiful sunsets, and the west coast.
new years 2k12
GPOY: LA edition
i feel more at home at the airport than just about anywhere else. something is comfortable about the strangers rushing to get from place to place and the extreme nature of emotions that fluctuate throughout. tears over leaving, excitement over adventuring elsewhere, shear terror on the idea of stepping on a plane. i found myself this year on plane after plane and i realized that this is what i want. i want to dine over the atlantic ocean and fall asleep on the east coast and wake up on the west. it isn’t the life for everyone i think most people prefer the comfort of their bed to the chairs in the gate area, but my passion to escape everything from home, people, and even the constraint of gravity has made me romanticize the idea of air travel. so here i sit at gate B63 awaiting another adventure. everyone asks what i am doing upon landing and to be honest i really have no idea. exploring the world i live in, spending time with people i care about, and making memories. now if only i can figure out a way to turn that mantra into a life plan. ideas anyone?
